Remembering

A friend's blog entry about Memorial Day left me with tears in my eyes.

On a trip to Europe while in high school, I visited the American Cemetery in Luxembourg. At the time, I was mainly impressed with the way all the headstones lined up and that Patton was buried there.

Now, just thinking about the cemetery brings tears to my eyes. I think of the young soldiers who gave their lives to protect my freedom. I think of the families who received a visit to their door or a telegram telling them they'd never see their son/husband/brother again. The bodies that lie below the headstones in Luxembourg were buried across the world from their homes.

20+ years ago, when I saw the symmetrical lines of the headstones, I was reminded of orchard plantings. Now whenever I see an orchard, I can't help but think of lines of crosses, each representing a fallen soldier. I try not to take their (and their families') sacrifices for granted. One day a year hardly seems enough to honor these heroes.

Happy Anniversary!

A year ago yesterday was my first blog post. I started blogging hoping to escape crippling depression. For most of the year, I blogged occassionally, when the whim struck.

I'm not stable on my antidepressant and would say that I'm no longer clinically depressed. By no stretch of the imagination am I always happy. But that's to do with real feelings, not chemicals misfiring in my brain.

So happy anniversary to me and my blog. I'll keep writing and see if I can't find more happy days than sad.

Wired

I am sitting at Starbucks, connected to wireless, listening to my iPod, with my cell phone sitting on the table next to my computer. Since sitting less than 10 minutes ago, I have checked my phone for new email and texts (I've received both in that time), updated my facebook status, and checked the weather forecast.

One of my favorite bloggers posted today about the drain that she is feeling from the influence of technology. I saw myself in her post much more than I care to admit. These devices that can be such aids to daily life are becoming the master rather than the assistant.

It doesn't seem that long ago when only a few people had cell phones. Or when AT&T came out with a cordless phone giving you power to wander around the house while talking on the phone. And phones with actual DIALS! Heck, I can remember when everyone had a party line. Anyone else remember party lines? When I went to college, only the rich kids had computers and no one had email. Who, other than a few computer geeks, had heard of the Internet? Now my (supervised) 9-year old has a computer, an email account, and a blog.

What a would an unwired existence look like in today's technology-filled world? (I don't mean wireless--everything is wireless these days!) Do we really need instant access to everything? What would happen if I turned off my cell phone for a day? Didn't look at facebook for a week? didn't check my email ever again? I don't know how to untangle myself from this addiction. Like Midlife Midwife, I feel like a slave to the technology.

It's a double-edged sword. The convenience of instant information makes life easy. Today I registered my daughter for summer camps, paid bills, and read the New York Times online. This was much easier than doing things the un-wired way: stamps, phone calls, newsprint on my hands. Technology is such a time-saver, right? Except that when I was done doing these things, instead of doing something productive, I headed over to facebook to catch up with some friends and followed link after link until I realized that what was supposed to be a quick look at facebook had turned into two hours of mindless surfing. I only stopped because it was time to get L from school.

Carrying my phone with me means I'm available in an emergency. It also means that people can reach me wherever I am, even if it's not an emergency. I recently stopped wearing a watch when the battery ran out and I decided not to replace it. I like the feeling of not being as time-bound. A large part of me wishes that I could simply not recharge my cell phone the next time the battery runs out.

For better or worse, these devices are here to stay. I know I won't stop paying bills or registering for camp online. Nor will I stop carrying my cell phone whenever I'm away from my daughter. But I hope this awareness of how technology is taking over my time will help me to put technology back in its rightful place: my assistant instead of my master.

Sick? Or Tired?

Today when I picked L up from school, she told me she wasn’t feeling well, like she was going to throw up. Tuesday is ballet class day. There’s only 3 weeks left before the dance spring performance and her entire class will be effected if any of them miss practicing together. Missing class today was not an option, unless she was truly sick. We have about 45 minutes at home before we have to leave to get to ballet class. So we went home and I fixed her favorite snack and had her change into her leotard and fix her hair. I proceeded as though we were going no matter what. Of course, by the time it was time to leave, she had eaten her entire snack and was bouncing around the living room. When I asked her if she was feeling better, she said “I still feel like I’m going to throw up.” I figured that a bouncy, hungry girl was just fine to send to ballet.

This incident brings up a few issues for me.

• Why is it that she seems to not feel well every Tuesday afternoon? She seems to love ballet and has plenty of friends she only sees at ballet class. But she never seems to not be feeling well on Thursday afternoon, the day she has tap class. Does this mean that she doesn’t like ballet? Earlier in the year mentioned that it was getting hard. I told her that’s because she’s getting better and she’s going to be learning harder and harder things.
• I get to decide when I feel like/want to go to my classes. This week I’ve been fighting a nasty cold and I got bit on the hand by my dog. The day after the dog bite, I didn’t go to Pilates because I was still in a lot of pain and didn’t think I could do the arm work that involves holding a strap. Because there is an 18-hour cancellation policy at the Pilates studio, I already cancelled my class for tomorrow morning because I’m not sure how I’ll be feeling tomorrow morning. I suppose I can go anyway if I wake up in the morning and feel okay. Would I have cancelled these classes if I held myself to the same standard I hold L to?
• When I told L she had to go unless she actually threw up, she called me the worst mom in the world. I’m used to such pronouncements so this didn’t bother me. Is there any way to help her see that I don’t make these decisions willy-nilly? Two weeks ago during her ice-skating lesson, she fell and hit her head hard. She came off the ice crying. I immediately helped her out of her skates and hurried her to the car, where I called our doctor to see if she needed to be evaluated in the emergency room. The next week, she fell again, this time landing on her hip. Again, she came off the ice crying. These tears were different, less urgent. I comforted her for a few minutes before sending her back out on the ice. A man who doesn’t know us well said something to the effect of me being a hard-ass to make her go back out. Another mom who knows us through skating defended me saying that she was fine this week, whereas the week before she wasn’t necessarily fine. Somehow my mom intuition tells me when things are serious and when it’s time to “buck up” and keep going. Today seemed to be a “buck up” kind of day.
  

I’m sitting in the car outside the dance studio, watching the class. L is bouncing around and smiling with her friends. She seems to be feeling just fine. After class, I’ll ask her if she’s glad she went. I’m pretty sure she will be.

Biting the Hand That Feeds You

My very loving and playful dog just bit me. She didn't mean to. We were playing tug and she went for a better hold on the toy, missed the toy and chomped down on my hand. Hard. She immediately jumped back and laid on the floor. So now I'm trying to type with an ice pack on my hand. It's not working well. I had planned to spend lots of time writing tonight. Instead I think I'll watch a Hallmark Channel movie in bed. It really hurts!

Cookbook Challenge

I need a challenge. NEED might be a bit strong. WANT might be better.

Earlier today I was reading the NY Times Food Blog, "Bitten," a blog I catch up on from time to time when I want to be inspired about good food that is within the reach of the home cook.

As so often happens when "surfing," I followed links until I found one that caught my attention and made me want to act. The Bread Baker's Apprentice Challenge will take challengers through every recipe in Peter Reinhart's cookbook of the same title. The date of the entry was about a week and a half ago and I immediately made plans to run out and get the book so I can join the challenge.

Then I read the next post. The challenge is closed to new participants. I know I can still do the challenge on my own but I think I'm less likely to actually complete the challenge if I don't have a group of people I'm accountable to, who will follow a schedule and keep my on task.

I still want to do this. Perhaps I'll find another group to join. Maybe there will be a "shadow group" of folks who found the challenge too late to join. Or maybe I'll start it on my own and post my progress here, to the blog that nobody reads. Make an attempt at being the self-starter that I aspire to be.

So I'm off to the bookstore to peruse the baking section. I'll take a look at The Bread Baker's Apprentice and see if it looks doable in my kitchen and with my willpower. After all, I've (mostly) managed to keep the commitment I've made to myself about taking a picture each day. And I'm trying to give this blog thing a real go. So baking bread isn't out of the realm of possibility, right?

In the Land of the Alpine Mood Swings

L is a nine-year-old girl. One minute I'm her best friend and the best thing going in her life. The next minute, I'm the enemy, the cause of everything bad that has ever and may ever happen to her. I usually do a good job of remembering that I'm the grown-up and respond like I don't care. Of course I respond if she's destructive or disrespectful. Part of my responsibility as a parent is to help her learn appropriate ways to weather the ups and downs of daily life that she feels so accutely right now.

I've learned to (mostly) let these moments roll off my back like water on a duck. It doesn't always work. Sometimes she says hurtful words that break through the grown-up exterior and wound me. If she hurts me deeply, she sees me cry. She is learning that her actions can cause pain in other people, even if there are no visible wounds. The few times she's driven me to tears, she's completely taken aback at my response. Nothing stops her tantrum faster than me crying. I don't cry to get her to stop. Quite the opposite; I feel like if I cry she wins, as much as if I had given in to a demand to buy candy in the check-out line to stop her crying as a toddler (which, by the way, I never did. I have a very strong will and would rather have her throw a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store in front of strangers than give in to a demand.)

The thing that amazes me about all this is that when she's not stomping off to slam the door over the drama of the day, she's friendly and cooperative. She voluntarily cleans her room. This morning she even thanked me for making her a yummy lunch every day. She wants to have cuddles and hugs at home and tells me how I'm the best mom ever.

It must be hard to inhabit the body with these drastic mood swings. Sometimes in the middle of a tantrum or crying fit, she'll tell me she's not sure why she's acting this way or why she can't stop crying. I think she genuinely doesn't want to act this way! So I do my best to help her navigate out of the terrible moments. I encourage her to stop and "hit the reset button." I calmly remind her about consequences of tantrums and how out of hand she got the last time.

But sometimes I yell back and then feel horrible about my reaction. "After all," I tell myself, "I'm supposed to be the grown up." Sometimes I just don't feel like the grown up. And sometimes I don't act like the grown up. But I think we're growing up together, she and I. We'll make it through this and hopefully, we'll remain close on the other side.

You Say It's Your Birthday?

Happy Birthday to me!

I love birthdays! More than then New Year's Day, it's the time that I set my goals and experience a sense of renewal. I put the previous year, with all its achievements and mistakes, behind me and plan for the next year.

Today I turn 39. Which means that this is a big year for me with the goals. Next year is a "0" year so long-term goals already exist. For some reason I don't have my goals for 40 written down anywhere so I'll have to do my best to remember them. But not here. They're too personal to put out into the blogosphere.

So what did I do last year?

• I am stable on my anti-depressant medications. I feel like myself and like I have normal emotions. I'm not happy all the time, nor am I sad all the time. I feel pretty normal and that feels pretty great.
• My dog died a few months ago. She was an amazing creature who demonstrated sensitivity in all her interactions with people. I miss her deeply. I think I have never loved an animal like I loved her.
• Barack Obama was elected president! 'Nuff said.
• I'm glad to no longer be working at the clinic I recently left. I had been there for 3 years, including 2 years working part time. It's time to move on. April 29 was my last day. Maybe I'll write more about this later.
• I traveled extensively in the US, mainly with my daughter. I went to 8 states that I had previously not visited.
• I was initiated into PEO, a sisterhood that raises money to support education for women (and has a great time together in the process). I immediately gained a cadre of friends who will support me and love me through whatever life brings.
• I lost 20+ pounds. As a side-effect of my medication cocktail, I lost interest in eating and gained the ability to stop eating when I'm approaching full. I leave more food on my plate than I eat. Don't get me wrong, I'm eating plenty to sustain myself and am not losing weight at a dangerous pace. The weight loss has stabilized and I'm once again interested in food. Now I just stop when I'm full and hope that the weight doesn't creep back on.
• I am paying more attention to my body. I started taking Pilates and am finding other ways to take care of my body. I still need to do more to take care of myself but that goes under the "goals for next year" section.

So, what does the coming year hold for me?

• More travel. At least a little bit. L and I are setting out on another road trip the day school gets out for the summer. No new states this time, but anticipating a great time with my daughter and reaquainting with friends we will see while on our trip.
• Better saving and economic awareness. So far the economic downturn hasn't really affected our family. My husband's company's earnings are down a bit from last year but we're doing fine financially. However, when I reviewed our taxes last month, I realized that we don't save nearly enough money, nor do we given away nearly enough money. I want to be a better steward of our resources.
• It's time for me to get serious about getting going on the next step in my career. I have declared a long-term goal and if I'm going to achieve it I need to work toward it. So tomorrow the work begins with a phone call to the grad school I plan to apply to.
• I'm tired of living in clutter. I think I declare this every year but this year I have no excuse for not getting something done about it. I no longer have an external work schedule to use as an excuse for not downsizing and cleaning. Maybe it's time to make an internal work schedule to treat housekeeping like the job it should be.
• Continue taking care of my body. The weight loss and Pilates has been a good start but I need to go further in taking care of myself. I need to better monitor my chronic health conditions and take the steps to be working toward overall better health.
• Mother/Daughter time. Both with my own mother and with my daughter. My mom is aging and I tend to try to pretend she's not. I need to help her make good decisions about her health. My daughter is at an age when she is torn between seeking independence and wanting to stay my little girl. I need to be sensitive to her needs, let her know I'm a safe place for her to share, help her identify others who are safe harbors for the times she feels she can't confide in me, and help her find her learn to be independent while remaining safe. No small task, that.

I think that's plenty to put on my list of goals for now. Oh, yeah. I also want to develop the discipline of daily writing.

Now it's time to head off to my birthday dinner. Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Mother's Day!

I just returned from my Sunday morning Pilates class and have been ordered back to bed. Time to experience an official rite of motherhood: "Breakfast in Bed on Mother's Day." I'm not sure I grasp the appeal of eating in bed but I definitely appreciate the love behind the gesture. From my comfortable perch, propped up against pillows in my comfortable bed, I can hear the clanging of dishes and the smell of burning pancakes. L and her dad are working hard to prepare my special breakfast. I can hardly wait!

Review Session

An old friend has an admirable discipline of writing a blog entry daily. I want to do that. I get such clarity from writing (even if what I write isn't clear to anyone else!) that I think I need to make it into a daily discipline. I think the discipline part would be easier if I knew that others expect me to write, so I'm going to go a bit more public and be a bit more intentional in my writing.

In anticipation that people I know or admire might actually read what I've written, I reviewed all my past entries to see if anything needed to be taken down. I edited a few entries and removed a few--some were just too much of me on the page and I don't want to be that vulnerable.

In reviewing my past entries, a couple things struck me.

1. I started this blog almost a year ago. In that time, I've written occassionally with no particular focus. I started writing to try to work through some of my depression issues, which are mostly resolved now (via chemicals and good self-care).
2. There are many things I wrote about that I need to follow-up on. I wrote about voting day but not the amazing experience of being with my daughter and many of her friends and their moms on inauguration day. I wrote in anticipation of my dog dying but haven't been able to write about her death and how my family is dealing with it.
3. I want to write about random things that interest me, from healthcare reform to recipes. I don't know have a focus for this blog, which may be my undoing if I want readership. I just want to be able to look back on it in a year and see a chronicle of my life and what I was thinking.

So here I go. Am I really going to commit to writing daily for a year? I'm certainly going to try!