Trying to Celebrate

Yesterday my husband graduated with the Master's degree he's been working on for the past three years. I'm so proud of him and the work he's been doing. So why were the tears I shed not tears of joy and pride? I was able to pass them off as such but I know they were tears of self pity. When I saw the Master's students with their hoods, I got a little weepy. But I completely lost it when the PhD grads walked in wearing their fancy regalia. Will I ever get to wear the silly hat?

The worst part of it all is that I can't talk to my husband about this. I want to be happy for him and do nothing to diminish this joyful time. So this afternoon, I'll go off to the class barbecue and smile and stand by like the supportive wife.

(Not Quite) Happy Feet

Today I wore my happy shoes. They're red patent leather Danskos. I usually can't help but smile when I wear them. Today it didn't work.

Yesterday I finally broke down and went to the doctor for happy pills. I realized that for the third day in a row I had gone back to bed and slept the entire time my daughter was at school. Apparently this isn't normal.

I don't even want to write. Usually a bit of writing and I'm right back to my old self. Not this time. Leaving for a two-week vacation in a week with my daughter and mom. Usually I can't stop reading travel guides, searching travel websites and foodie blogs to find the hidden gems. This time I just keep thinking "I'll do it tomorrow."

So somehow through the fog, I came to the realization that I need to bring the chemicals back to my life. I refused the headaches, anxiety, and unmentionable side effects of SSRIs and opted instead for the induced mania that Wellbutrin provides. (The mania only lasts the first few weeks and it's not as much mania as it is hyper on steroids.) I took my first dose today. I haven't slept today but that's for lack of time, not lack of desire. I'm ready to start the mania.